I didn’t get a job on Letterman as a page. It’s ok, the woman was making me feel like I was making the wrong choice to only seat people.
Comedy in New York isn’t roses. I’ve been nominated for best joke twice at open mics. Both times it was “If I was Oprah, the only way I’d let anyone go down on me is if they said ‘Oprah sesame’”. One time I was close, the other time you could hear a pin drop (politics).
I went to a casting call for HBO and it went well. Got a call the next day and am now potentially working on both an ABC and an HBO show.
I am interning on a film called Little Fiel (http://littlefiel.com/). It’s great to be back in animation (after sending off an animation as my film school reel in 2007).
Went on an OK Cupid date. She looked exactly like me (but girl version, you know). I was into her (narcissism) and she was not into me (opposite of narcissism).
I have eaten a lot of street meat. I’ve gotten way more dap from hobos than I ever thought.
Sometimes I look outside and see squirrels stuffing nuts in their face, lavish loading into their fucking furry faces. In this moment I produce a half-smile/half-“fuck you”. Why can a near-relative to the rat get me so hot?
Only real alternative to is to try and capture as many as you can and make them your sex slaves.
Only real way to capture squirrels and make them your sex slaves: squirrel fishing.
Looks like they’ve figured me out. (Taken with instagram)
New shit has come to light
My band, Swamp Thing, went on tour to California. In the middle of the day on April 22, 2011, our van filled with smoke and then we pulled over to find that flames were pouring out of the hood.
Most of us thought nothing big of it, thinking the fire would subside and we could just keep rolling with a partially burned engine.
Turns out… the whole fucker burned down.
items the flames swallowed
all our shirts and records
all our merch money
all merch of FocusedXMinds (label mates in the van too)
a laptop
a brand new iPad
a nice Canon camera
a Canon powershot
running shoes
a Les Paul
a Fender Jazz bass
lots of shirts
an iPod touch
MacBook
my headphones
two skateboards
and who knows what else. (oh, the finest Kush I’ve ever touched)
1. That Thing You Do!
This may shock everyone, however the 60’s rock and roll is really secondary to an artful Tom Hanks love story between Guy Patterson and Fay.
2. Garden State
I mean, come one. Indie movie that blew the doors off the industry did so for a reason, we all want to have a quirky love with Natalie Portman.
3. Fool’s Gold
I can run on and on about how this sleep McConaughey film would be and insta-classic were this the year 1930. Still heart warming.
4. Love Actually
What part of that movie doesn’t make you fall apart.
5. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
If you want to watch a movie going in thinking you hate someone and then are wise enough to realize you actually love them, this is the movie for you.
6. Adventureland
I think this is the safest (and least gay) way to be in love with Kristen Stewart.
Epilogue:
One week after my cynicism didn’t hit the young, 19 year old spot of Elise, I got a random text message from her.
“I was like baby, baby, baby oooooh
like baby, baby, baby nooooo
like baby, baby, baby oooooh
I thought you’d always be mine (mine)
I was like baby, baby, baby oooooh
like baby, baby, baby nooooo
like baby, baby, baby oooooh
I thought you’d always be mine (mine)”
I subsequently confirmed that this was, in fact, lyrics from the one and only “Baby” by Justin Bieber.
Case Closed.
-For Curtis
Part 4
I hadn’t talked to Elise since we had a text message conversation along these lines:
E: I’m going to a house show tonight with my friend Josh.
ME: Cool. Don’t go falling in love with him.
I was joking. I would say I was clearly joking, but she’s 19, of course subtext is beyond her. I apologize in advance to all the 19 year olds out there that like me, I am just speaking hyperbolically and you should not hesitate to get in touch with me ASAP.
E: Should I fall in love with you?
I waited the duration of the Greek dinner (complete with Gyro, fries and ginger ale) before responding.
ME: No. You should not do that at all.
ME: Broken hearts is the number one cause of deaths in teens.
This may have been too harsh. Clearly, I’m not in touch with how teens, or let’s just say kids born in the nineties, interpret sarcasm or exaggeration.
E: What the fuck?! I thought you were going to be romantic?!
ME: Look. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, I’m just trying to be pragmatic. Approach this situation sensibly. You go to school three hours away.
[no response for days]
ME: How’s dorm life?
[no response]
Part 3
We started to talk about our family pets. I told her about Peter Sticky Reaves, the bunny my brother and sister and I begged for at the State Fair. We brought him home, and oddly I swear that was the year I pleaded for a blue rabbits foot too.
Then Elise started on her pet saga.
“I had a guinea pig who died a virgin. I begged my mom to get him a companion because I knew he’d get lonely.”
“How old were you?” I asked.
“Seventeen [two years ago]. Anyways, I knew he’d be lonely, so I begged my mom to get him a lover or mate or whatever. She refused. I think she said she didn’t want them having babies.”
“Understandable. You don’t want to run a sex house,” I agreed.
She rolled her eyes and continued. “So I said that we could get him neutered. I looked all over the internet.”
“How’d that go?”
“Can’t remember,” she said. “Either it was way too expensive or it’s too much of a specialty concern.”
I wish I could say my jaw was dropped because of the touching moment but, alas, I was disguising utter amusement.
“But basically, Beefy died a virgin. That’s just fucking sad. Everyone should have sex.”
AMEN.
